Wednesday
Feb092011
Bereavement is complicated
There is no straightforward answer to how parents grieve or what to expect. One way of describing grief is a spectrum of feelings that evolve over time. We pinball from shock and denial, anger-rage, gratitude to guilt and back around again. Charles Corr described bereavement as a “Kaleidoscope of Feelings.” The darkness of sadness may hit just after your child dies, but often many parents describe those first few days and months as feeling closer to their children. Some parents regard their deceased children as “being on vacation.” Joan Didion talks about this kind of denial as “Magical Thinking.”
The shift from having your child on this planet to suddenly not can take the psyche a long time to grapple with. One of the sweetest things I’ve ever heard is when my friend said to me, “You’re not going crazy, you’re grieving.”
Over fifty-thousand children die each year, each with a family that is grieving their loss. However, most of the research on bereavement continues to be focused on the adult population. Time magazine recently released some new information on the Myths of Grief.Denial aids in funneling the ocean of grief into a hose. Denial gives us some power over the grief; it pushes it to the corners of our conscioness, where we can use it as a tool to help trickle the grief out and cope with it over time.
Some parents have said
Denial helped me to get on with my life, have another child, plan for the future because part of me couldn’t wrap my brain around the fact that my child was gone and never coming back. I thought that grief would consume me if I let myself feel the bulk of it. Denial was what helped me to function.
Guilt and Pain
All the “what if’s, I should have’s,” stream into our consciousness. Death of a child doesn’t make sense. Our minds search for answers and when there are none, we can turn our questioning inward. Some of the things we might be thinking; they were our children to love and protect. How could we have let death happen to them? It’s our fault. I want to die. Seek medical attention if you start to experience suicidal thoughts or extreme depression. No one knows how to survive the death of a child. We often hear from other parents that they “couldn’t make it if their child died.” The fact is, most of us do. Our lives can turn out very differently from what we anticipated before our children got sick and died, but different isn’t necessarily bad; it’s just different. The majority of us parents find our way. There are no right or wrong ways to grieve but there are consequences for the decisions we make whether conscious or unconscious. There will be a new normal, it just takes time.
Bargaining and Anger
Our arms are too short to box with God, but we may spend the bulk of our time inventing new ways to trade places with our children. It’s not fair. We think we can fix it. We think we can change the outcome by giving something up in exchange. As time goes on our children continue to be dead despite our best efforts at trying to make it right. For some, anger can creep in. Use it, feel it, release it. If we stuff it, mask it with food, appease it with sex, coat it with drugs, the anger will remain a large part of our consciousness. It will sit next to us in the car as we speed down the highway with horns blasting and fingers flipping. Anger will want to be first in line at the grocery store, lash out at our family and friends. What we know for sure is Anger left unchecked will shadow and skew our lives until we are ready to shift it. But Anger can also serve as a motivator. Some have been able to befriend it; Anger is what helps them get up in the morning. Find out what works for you.
Loneliness, Depression, Reflection
Grief can be isolating. Parents often refer to suddenly feeling like an “Alien.” We may look like the same person but grief has shifted us in ways that will unfold throughout our lifetimes. It’s hard to wrap our minds and even our arms around grief. Life has changed and will continue to; just as we get our footing there is new territory on the horizon. Many parents can feel totally overwhelmed. Give yourself a break; you don’t have to be the perfect bereaved parent. Sometimes you may wish none of this happened and you find yourself yearning for your old unburdened life, back to the time before your child got sick. It’s okay, it doesn’t make you a bad parent, you just wish it were easier. Some days you just may want to lie in bed and lick your wounds; give yourself that time, it can be healing. Others may want to take a trip, buy a bedroom set, or spend the day at their child's gravesite. Do what feels right to you in your situation. Five years from now people aren’t as understanding of work days missed or last minute cancellations. You are feeling horrible because it’s a horrible situation. This is where you get to pull the grief card…read more on the Grief Card.
Sixty controlled studies on grief interventions showed that everyone got better with the passage of time. For those displaying marked difficulties adapting to loss, counseling showed to be beneficial.
Take your time to reflect and feel the magnitude of your loss.
Or be in absolute denial. There are so many different ways to move through grief. Get the kinds of support that work for you. Some will take to their beds, others are at work the next day. Try not to judge yourself; know that everyone in your family is doing his or her best and that the feelings and craziness will shift over time.
Many of those studies show the first six months after loss to be the most difficult. Over time our worry changes to wonder until we realize that our children continue to be part of us: we carry them in our hearts.
Grief can be seasonal
It swells up on the month of our children's diagnosis, first surgery, death or birthday. Many of us continue to keep a running calendar of events in our minds long after we have buried our children. For some parents it’s a way of keeping our children’s memory fresh; for others those dates became an albatross and we cut them loose. The range of emotion is as varied as there are people. As time goes on you will be able to anticipate the times when you have extra stress or tenderness and plan ahead.
Some parents have said
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We make our therapy appointments a few weeks before our child’s death anniversary.
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All of my largest purchases continue to be around my child’s birth and death day.
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When I start to hate everyone and realize my patience is thin I know it’s because of the grief.
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Life feels sped up around certain dates, I feel panicky inside.
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My back goes out around my daughter's birthday, it’s been eight years since she died. Now I just pop some Advil, get an ice bag and grab the remote control.
Helpful Tips While Mourning
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Set Boundaries: Be clear in what your needs are from family, friends and community.
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Find a therapist who specializes in death of a child.
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Follow up with your Doctor
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Join a support group Candlelighters http://www.candlelighters.org//Compassionate Friends:http://www.compassionatefriends.org/home.aspx
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Allow people to help
- Become active in your faith
- Available Resources
Physical Symptoms of Grief
There is a physical burden of grief that, left untreated, may result in serious problems down the road.
Some parents may experience:
• Decrease or Increase in Appetite
• Weight Loss or Gain
• Insomnia
• Fatigue
• Lower Immunity
• Depression
• Restless Sleep
• Nausea
• Aches and Pains
• Increase or Decrease in Sex Drive
Many parents talk about walking around in a fog for several months after their children have died. Keys are left in the refrigerator or on top of the car. We miss turns while driving, arrive late to appointments or show up on the wrong day. Life continues to feel completely overwhelming. It’s as if the world has been sped up and we can’t get in step.
Parents have said
- Every minute without my child feels like an eternity.
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I can’t take it, I don’t know how I am going to live without him.
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It feels like she’s still here, I don’t want to leave the house.
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If I leave his room the same, than maybe he’ll come back...I know it’s crazy.
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I felt like I mourned her during her illness, I am ready to have my life back.
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Trust that the agonizing, bone jarring grief will change. The seas will part and you will be on surer footing soon. Time does heal.
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If I can just get through this second without my child. Then it shifted to minutes. Over time it became hours and then days. I kept breathing and believing it was going to get better even though everything in my mind and heart proved it wouldn’t. I continued to survive and eventually thrive. Some people call it “Divine intervention,” for me, I know it was my child helping me- even when I couldn’t help myself. Maddy’s Mom-
The Upward Turn
You may be feeling the burden of grief lifted slightly. You may notice a shift in your ability to keep things in your brain, your attention to details may be beginning to return. You may even start to laugh and enjoy a bit of life again. Resist the urge to retreat. It’s okay to have happiness, you aren’t betraying your child…your happiness helps to honor them. This is an excellent time to journal. Write your families story down. Keeping all the details of our child in our brain, while comforting, also takes a lot of energy and often doesn’t allow for other experiences. Writing our child’s story down makes their life indelible, gives us something tangible and allows us to create a little more space. Terri Daniels talks about how ritual helps families stay connected with their deceased children:
Reconstruction
There will be a time where you will find ways to build on the past while you continue to carry your child in your heart. The veil of grief will start to lift. Sometimes families choose to continue to build, have more children, invest in a new home, change careers or partners, or decide to go it alone. Some find ways to give back to the community that served them. Families like ours are constantly making a the world a better place by setting up foundations in memory of their children or serving on boards or giving to causes that honor their children’s memory. We continue to live, to build and our children are part of that construction and all that we make out of our lives.
Hope and Acceptance
There will be a time where you will find Hope again, it will certainly look different than the Hope of the past. If you had been caring for your seriously ill child you already know that hope changes over time. It can go from “I hope she lives, to I hope she gets to walk in graduation... to I hope she doesn’t die in pain.”
Hope changes in bereavement, ebbing and flowing, as your grief shifts. If you let yourself sit in the stillness, you will find that Hope never left, it just changed. Your child’s spirit can live inside you and all the other places it needs to be. Acceptance can be a more challenging idea; some families need to find it before they can truly move through the grief, others may give it up to a higher power, many continue to feel better not accepting but are comforted by the idea of life being a mystery.
Families find their way to continue to honor and celebrate their deceased children by celebrating birthdays, milestones, anniversaries. Parents erect memorial benches, start non-profits, donate their time and money to organizations that help families like theirs. However you choose to be in the world after the death of your child, know that you are not alone.
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